She isn’t lost, just buried deep beneath

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She isn’t lost, just buried deep beneath

Posted by OneMommysThoughts on Apr 25, 2012 in Chaos of Life, Family, Linked Up, Parenting, Survival | 2 comments

Yesterday I finished a beautiful book written by Kelle Hampton called Bloom (I actually wrote an entire post that was lost due to technical issue upon finishing said book and it was epic really). It is Kelle Hampton’s memoir about how she found beauty in the unexpected gift her daughter Nella gave her when she was born with Down Syndrome.

Here is a little description of her book on Amazon:

“Love me. Love me. I’m not what you expected, but oh, please love me.

That was the most defining moment of my life. That was the beginning of my story.

From the outside looking in, Kelle Hampton had the perfect life: a beautiful two-year-old daughter, a loving husband, a thriving photography career, and great friends. When she learned she was pregnant with her second child, she and her husband, Brett, were ecstatic. Her pregnancy went smoothly and the ultrasounds showed a beautiful, healthy, high-kicking baby girl.

But when her new daughter was placed in her arms in the delivery room, Kelle knew instantly that something was wrong. Nella looked different than her two-year-old sister, Lainey, had at birth. As she watched friends and family celebrate with champagne toasts and endless photographs, a terrified Kelle was certain that Nella had Down syndrome—a fear her pediatrician soon confirmed. Yet gradually Kelle’s fear and pain were vanquished by joy, as she embraced the realization that she had been chosen to experience an extraordinary and special gift.”

As you can see Kelle was about to embark on the biggest journey her life had handed her yet. While I do not have a child with Down Syndrome I found Kelle’s story really hit home for me. At some point in your life as a mother you have a moment of disappointment that makes you instantly feel ashamed. I have had many of these (I promise this entire post will not be a Debbie Downer).

Some small.

Some big.

But all times that I look back on and regret.

How could I feel disappointment when I have three beautiful, healthy, vibrant children?

I feel disappointment in myself for my reactions, lack of patience, inability to keep what day of the week it is straight or what time a workout class starts (I managed to mess this up twice this week – impressed yet?), that I couldn’t get my kids to eat three healthy meals in a day.

We as mothers feel an immense responsibility for not only our children but for ourselves and we rarely cut ourselves slack.

I am notorious for beating myself up about little things and as hard as I try to, as good as I might be to myself one day, the next I am cursing my own name.

Being a mom is hard.

You feel you have lost yourself, your former self that is.

Where did that bold, sassy, fun chic go?

Why does she hide and why does she require so much coaxing to resurface?

I find that the days that I feel the best about my former self and see glimpses of her are the days I take time for me.

I shower.

Apply makeup (maybe).

Dress in an actual outfit and possibly add earrings to the mix.

These are the days I feel like me….until that moment.

The moment of irritation that takes me back to momma instead of me.

The moment I forget what this whole ride is about.

So I take a step back.

I breath deeply (this is supposed to help but I often find it just makes me dizzy and more angry).

I listen to the stories my children tell me about school and chrysalis and how there are pupae in them that will turn into Monarchs.

I watch them have “firsts” like pumping their swing solo the first time.

I am amazed.

Amazed by their resilience and inspired.

That pre-momma me was pretty great but if I did deeper I am pretty sure I can find the kid that started it all still inside.

I think that kid is the key.

They key to happiness because everything about a kids smile and giggle makes your heart melt.

It is like pure sunshine and rainbows.

Who doesn’t love that?

So…..

Breathing deep, watching, listening and learning my children have taught me that while motherhood has been an unexpected ride and loosing my former self seems like a huge loss at times, being a mom is like being a queen for the day.

You hold all the power.

You can rock their world and give them all you’ve got or you can approach it with irritation and resentment that you are now someone new, someone you don’t always like.

With that new someone you can go one step further and remember that you are only as good for others as you are to yourself.

Take the challenging moments and breathe them in.

No matter what life throws at you, it is for a reason and your job is to catch it and run with it (totally not a baseball metaphor – I know nothing about baseball anyway).

Sometimes you have to hurt a little to feel a lot and heal at all.

I am learning this to be very true and finding it to be a journey greater than I imagined.

I am linking up with Shell at Things I Can’t Say

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2 Comments

sheri
April 25, 2012

I love this post. Why does it take coaxing to let our former selves out? Seriously. So true. Every day is a challenge. Me time is definitely a must.

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- OneMommysThoughts
  April 25, 2012
  
  I don’t know why we hold back all the time and feel like allowing her back out is a bad thing?! It really can be such a mind game. I am rejuvenating this weekend and allowing my “former self” to go out an play. Think Sex and the City but younger and with less money and more wine
  
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